Honor More Love — Navigating Valentine’s Day without Monogamy
Valentine’s Day is often a big ol’ bucket of stress for many and NonMonogamous Valentines day is no different. Mainstream media, the retail industry, and our own expectations from years past all tell us that our V-days should be PERFECT — the heights of romantic love, the perfect gift, the perfect experience, the most amazing sex ever… you get the picture.
But so much of this is based on a flawed ideal of romantic love — that we should magically know what the other person is thinking and feeling, that we should be two parts of the same whole that we can’t survive without each other, and that love that we feel, if it’s “true love”, is unchanging and eternal. As many of us have found out, that’s not really reflective of real life — and real love — which is why so many people explore alternatives to these kinds of relationships.
The good news — for those of us who are engaging in consensual non-monogamy (whether it’s polyamory, swinging, being part of a “throuple”, or something entirely different) are in a unique position to challenge all of our assumptions about love and relationships. We regularly navigate the ways that relationships show up in our lives, and we keep working to make space for ourselves and our beloveds to find the kinds of connections that feel great for us.
Back to Valentine’s Day, though. Yeah, it’s challenging to cram open relationships into the narrow culturally-approved box of monogamous love, so rather than struggling to do that, let’s think about ways that we can reinvent the holiday for ourselves!
How does your Throuple, Polycule or Moresome Celebrate?
We’re curious if you set up multiple dates? If you get together with the whole Polycule to share the love on Valentines day or if you’re just starting out navigating a NonMonogamous Valentines Day
NonMonogamous Valentines Tips
- Check in with all of your partners to see what would make it meaningful to them. Do they want a grand gesture, or are they happier with a quieter expression of love? Does exchanging cards or candy make their heart sing, or would they prefer a fun evening out with all of their partners together? There’s no right or wrong when we’re talking about what we really want as long as we’re being honest with ourselves and our loved ones.
- While love may be infinite, time isn’t, so make sure that expectations are discussed ahead of time, and as un-sexy or boring as it might sound, that we plan out our celebrations. I’ve found that making sure we specifically prioritize time and energy with all our partners, in ways that they feel good about, helps everyone feel loved and important. Maybe you’ll have one big celebration; maybe it will be a few individual or smaller-group dates. Laying out what and when ahead of time, without the last-minute pressures that can come up, creates a safer space for people to get their needs met.
- Are you looking for some poly-friendly ways to celebrate the day? Try having dinner out with all your partners, and their partners (if you can manage it); try something that encourages sharing, like a fondue, sushi, tapas, or Korean bbq restaurant. Take a trip to a local sex positive shop and look for mutual gifts to create a post-Valentine’s Day buzz. If you’re creative folks, a craft class (like a “wine and paint” evening) might be the perfect group date. Find out if a local poly or swing group is having a celebration, and join in with other people who want to break out of the norm. Spend some time swiping right on #open, and see who might be looking for the same kinds of connections that you are!
- Get creative about how you say “I love you.” The card aisle at your local drugstore is not exactly the most useful place to find cards that really speak to your loved one, but there are plenty of creators online that make cards that are perfect for non-monogamous folks! You can also make your own cards, or print & frame photos and give them as a permanent way to remind them of how important they are in your life.
The sky is the limit for what you can do, when you slip out of the old expectations and get creative when it comes to celebrating a day of love! Let us know what you do, and share your ideas with the rest of our readers here or on our social media streams (just use #openvalentine in your post)! You never know — you might give someone else the perfect idea for their own perfect dates!
If you’re looking for a little extra help with how to celebrate your NonMonogamous Valentines Day we have some more date ideas up our sleeves. Check out our blog on DIY Pervy Painting or set up a Sexy Serenade . Perhaps you have some NonMonogamous Valentines Day tips to share with us? Connect with us on social media or find us in the app.